Monday, November 3, 2014

Violence Against Houses

It can be hard for carpetbaggers to understand the special relationship between the Wedge's long-time residents and certain neighborhood buildings. It's a forbidden love; the house belongs to someone other than the love-struck neighbor, and a deep affection only materializes when the owner finds another suitor. To help me understand this dynamic, I spend an absurd amount of time poring over old newspaper articles. As an example of my ignorance, when I came upon the headline, RAPE IN THE WEDGE, I just assumed it wasn't a weirdly offensive metaphor for perceived crimes against houses (sorry, I gave away the surprise ending).

June, 1981.

In case the author or his family are still around, let's call this guy Shermann. Shermann once slapped a friend of his 6th grade daughter after the two girls made a mess playing with paint in the basement. How do we know this? Because Shermann published yet another weird metaphor in the Wedge newspaper. In this one, retirees who sell their homes to the highest bidder are the equivalent of child-slappers (Also, Reagan).

Maybe it'll make more sense if we put it in meme-form.

On the left: the classic Healy Project meme.
On the right: Shermann's 30-year-old metaphor/confession.

The last thing I want to do is imply that all neighborhood house-fans think like Shermann, but it sure would explain the vigils.

Deep down, you know this many people
wouldn't vigil in your honor.

"Vigil" image credit: Tony Webster